Bad Days and Sunny Skies

This post may be a bit all over the place so I apologize in advance….

I don’t think that I have discussed this yet but I have suffered with depression since the age of 13. About 2 and a half years ago I went to a women’s conference at the church that I now call my home church, and found a sense of freedom from it all. However I don’t mean that depression and anxiety have left my life and I am drifting on air but more that I found the strength to pull through in my faith. So I still have bad days and I still have triggering moments but instead of falling directly into my old habits, I start to pray and focus on something positive.

Today my father came into my room for a food order and took a look at my room. Just so you all know, I have a historically messy room/dorm/apt. When my dad looked at my room he refrained from commentary but his face said it all. After he left to grab lunch I told my mom that I wish he just wouldn’t enter my room… This lead to a very brief conversation about how my place is always like that. This was a huge trigger for me. Why? Because my space is a direct correlation of how I am doing mentally. Since my mental state was never really stable growing up (and I never spoke up about it) my room was always a mess. It was how I felt. My room/dorm/apt has reflected that over the years. Every now and then I would have a good day, go on a cleaning spree and revel in the organized space. However it never took long for things to fall apart again. Since I’ve been home, I have really been working hard to hold it together but my room really tells the truth.

Today, when my mom unknowingly told me the absolute truth I almost fell apart at the table. I then transitioned to my room immediately, started to cry and then started to clean. while I started cleaning I took a moment to just pray for strength to get through the moment and not fall into old habits. As I threw each article of trash or old clothing away, I felt a little better. As the day went on I felt lighter and lighter, had a great conversation with a friend, and heard some awesome news. Before I knew it, what could have easily turned into a very dark day became happy shouts and laughter.

It may not seem very big to you but for me it was HUGE. For the first time in my life I really fought hard to pull myself up and with some prayer, I actually did it. I made it through and I feel great.

That’s all. I hope you all are having a blessed day.

xoxo

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A young 30 something trying to find my way to a healthier lifestyle and learning to embrace all that is me. Why don't you join me on my journey.

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