But Can I Trust You?

It took me years to get to a place where I liked myself but along the way it has been one rough road. Along with loving myself, I realized that I deserve love in my life. However I don’t fall in love easily. In fact I’ve only fallen in love once and when my heart was broken I didn’t know how to piece it back together. Sounds dramatic I know but it is how I felt. Now with 31 right around the corner I am ready to face the dating world and all that it entails. So lets go through the steps of loving me and getting back to a place where I wanted to love again.

Loving my body.

Sounds simple enough right? We are told to love the skin we are in and yet we are also told there is a standard of beauty to uphold. As a plus size woman of color that hasn’t been easy. My weight has been a topic of discussion for people whether I brought it up or not. My skin color is something I was born with and can’t change (nor do I want to). Then I decided to go from relaxed hair back to my natural kinks and coils. I was everything that society told me was unacceptable. With that came years of self loathing and pain. I had to get to a point that one: I love being black and being a woman so screw what the world thinks about that, and two: no matter my weight my beauty is here to stay. It started with looking in the mirror and telling myself “You are beautiful” OUT LOUD! I cried so many times doing this but I kept it up until it was something that rolled off my tongue. Next I had to tell myself “I love you and I am here for you. When no one else is around, I’ve got your back.” That made me cry too but only because I finally saw my own strength. Lastly I had to remind myself every day that although I may not be perfect, I am pretty great, I like me, and that’s all that matters.

Trusting myself.

Beside heart break from the man that I loved, I’ve been hurt physically and emotionally by other men in my life. As a result I put myself through “situationships” in order to feel some type of companionship knowing that it would never last. I knew that each man I entertained didn’t truly see the value in having me in their life and for the longest that’s what I thought I deserved. Once I learned to love myself, I also learned I was worth more than that. While that’s all fine and dandy, I wasn’t sure of my ability to select a good man. I found myself slipping into old habits and allowing myself to connect with men who didn’t really care about getting to know the real me at all. It was exhausting, this endless cycle of empty conversation. So I prayed on it. I prayed that God would give me the spirit of discernment so that I can tell who is a good choice and who isn’t. This way I know that the decisions I make aren’t purely based on my human mind but come from the Lord who always has my best interest at heart.

Trusting a man.

Due to the bad run of luck with the men in my life and a lot due to the summer of 2007 (I’ll discuss at a later time), I didn’t trust men. I didn’t trust that once I opened up to them, they’d stick around. I didn’t trust that they’d value me and my body. I didn’t trust that they’d respect me and my decisions. I just didn’t trust them. There is no way that I can enter into a relationship and expect it to be successful without letting my guard down. I have to be vulnerable and allow others into my life and eventually into my heart. Even though I had made it through the first two steps, this one truly felt impossible. So what else could I do but turn to God again. I asked Him to soften my heart, to be open again. I asked him to shield be from all those who mean me harm and draw me close to those who mean good for me. I know that the man God created for me is out there but in order for anything to flourish, I have to be ready and willing to trust again.

If you are going through what I have been through let me tell you, the road ain’t easy sweetie. However, it is 100% worth it. I am not dating anyone right now but I’ve never felt so good about the prospect of dating. I’ve joined meetup.com so I can meet people with similar interests as me (and I roped a single friend in so I don’t have to go it alone). I am setting up my social life in a way that I can meet people organically and who knows, I may give match.com another try. In the end you only have one life to live and being hung up on roadblocks is no way to live it. Let go and Let God and see where life will take you.

Until next time…

xoxo

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A young 30 something trying to find my way to a healthier lifestyle and learning to embrace all that is me. Why don't you join me on my journey.

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